“Horror"scopes

Capricorn (December 22-January 19): That's why they call it a "Happy Meal", Capricorn. After mailing the 8th "FINAL NOTICE FOR PAYMENT" notice to the mortgage broker's office address that you have on file, you'll decide to take a drive over there to collect in person. Upon arrival, you'll notice that it's a McDonald's and you're told that your contact, "Greg" is off until next Tuesday.

Aquarius (January 20-February 18): Good fortune follows you in the month of April, Aquarius. Your lucky numbers for this month's lottery will be: 22-6-9-82-0. This isn't based on any type of witchcraft or spooky tactics. If you put those numbers end to end, it's the unpaid balance owed for the appraisals that you did from August 6th through December 15th.

Pisces (February 19-March 20): Strange things are afoot for the fish sign. The "lake" behind the waterfront property that you're going out to measure tomorrow is actually the backed up sewage overflow from two counties over. Bring your waders!

Aries (March 21-April 19): Luck is with you this month, Aries! The last PDF you sent out was actually the faxed estimate for your car's fuel pump replacement. Not only will the broker call and tell you that your comps "look great", it will also be the first time you've been paid $678.23 for a drive-by report.

Taurus (April 20-May 20): Good news Taurus! The next appraisal request on your fax machine will come from an experienced mortgage broker. And by "experienced" I mean they've been in the business for over 2 weeks now!

Gemini (May 21-June 21): Find your emotional center this month. Although your first reaction will be to wrap your new tablet PC around the homeowner's head when they ask you "How much you thinkin' it's worth?" for the 12th time, find your center and remind yourself, "I only have one more inspection today..."

Cancer (June 22-July 22): It's Hollywood and bright lights for you dear Cancer! As you're sitting in your car, jotting notes from your last inspection, you'll be mistaken for a perp on "To Catch A Predator" and confronted by Chris Hansen from Dateline.  Smile for the cameras!

Leo (July 23-August 22): Enlightenment will shine on you Leo. Your client, after carefully reviewing your report, will educate you on the little known yet financially significant ways in which wagon wheel chandeliers and clear acrylic toilet seats actually DO add an exorbitant amount to the value of a double wide home.

Virgo (August 23-September 22): Friendships will go rocky for you dear Virgo. In an effort to ‘streamline' costs, "Rick's Mortgage Company and Tire Center" will advertise an offer for free appraisals with every loan. The only problem: They'll expect you to provide the "free" part.

Libra (September 23-October 23): Balance is the key to your life dear Libra. Unfortunately, the only "bonding" time with your mate will be when you're yelling, "JUST COME HERE AND LET ME HOLD THE END THAT SHOWS THE MEASUREMENTS!" while straddling a rose bush.

Scorpio (October 24-November 21): Pythagoras stalks you, Scorpio. The "rise and run" method will go from how you triangulate bay window dimensions in your sketch program, to a strategy your clients use to avoid paying those pesky invoices. Suddenly, "A squared plus B squared" equals zero.

Sagittarius (November 22-December 21): "It's extremely high", "How does someone get it that wrong?" and "Have you ever seen a report this far off?" will be the comments from your peers. Sadly, your "peers" are actually your doctors in the emergency room reviewing your EKG printout after dealing with yet another underwriter.