Gypsy Rich’s HORRORscopes II


Aquarius (January 20-February 18):
This is the dawning of the age of… ah, you know the rest.  If you don’t go back and read your history, the laserdisc of “Hair” will do.  Until then my water sign, you’ll be pleasantly surprised to find that carrying all of the extra equipment to each job (think Batman without the cowl) has actually not only improved your sciatic nerve problem but it has given you tone in your calves, thighs and increased the size of your biceps from pea shooters to actual, ‘guns’ from hauling around your tablet PC.  Harnessing all of this knowledge you’ll take the YouTube world by storm in creating a new workout video called the “DOH!-flex”.

Pisces (February 19-March 20):
“Fool me once, shame on you.  Fool me twice… and we won’t get fooled again”.  Tired of replacing expensive equipment left on the hood, roof and trunk of your car when driving off from assignments, you’ve carved out a niche that makes you the next “Made for TV” sensation.  The “Magnetizer”!  While this won’t necessarily catch on with anyone outside of the real estate profession, you’ve used ‘strategery’ by applying magnets to every item you own and use in your business.   No more coffee cups flying off the roof.  No more clipboards dashed to the ground.  And no more pictures on your digital camera once you applied the magnet to your $500 digital camera…  Well, I didn’t say it was a GREAT idea.

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Aries (March 21-April 19):
Your journey has been a long one Aries but you’re almost through the woods.  Just four more miles to find that sweet little ‘rambler’ tucked somewhere between Longitude .0004545° / Latitude .4846544000°.  But hey, not everyone can advertise “Any Appraisal.  Anywhere.” now can they?

Taurus (April 20-May 20):
It’s almost springtime Taurus!  And a new season of rebirth doesn’t stop with just the emergence of flowers.  You’ll recognize this new season’s fresh batch of loan brokers by their mating call, “But the homeowner said it was worth that much!”  Just remember to stop and smell the flowers while sifting through the fertilizer that helps both of these crops grow!

Gemini (May 21-June 21):
Ingenuity is the name of the game for you Gemini.  You’ll find that your business will increase 30% in 2009 when you begin to describe the use of your Disto as, “Special laser guided and sonar based technology”.  This new business will not be generated by the private mortgage sector but by the U.S. Department of Defense trying to find out if appraisals can ward off terrorism.

Cancer (June 22-July 22):
Oh Cancer.  2009 brings big changes.  No more working during the daylight.  Nay, you’re now be at the mercy of the part-time Realtor that only makes themselves available to open up their pending listing between the hours of 7:00 - 7:12pm during their break from slinging drinks at the local bar, “Tanked For The Memories”.

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Leo (July 23-August 22):
2009 will start with a roar for you strong Leo!  Sadly, this will not be out of pride but instead the guttural sounds coming from a dark place within you when you receive the IRS audit letter for tax filings between 1999 - 2006.  Apparently, writing off 83 incidents of spilled coffee on your crotch, ripping 34 pairs of jeans on shrubbery, and leaping over 6’ stockade fences to dodge Rottweiler’s doesn’t count as a rightful refund because of “Stuntman responsibilities”.

Virgo (August 23-September 22):
What more is there to say than “Congratulations Virgo”!  You’ve parlayed your successful appraisal business into a thriving side business as a hunting and fishing guide.  I mean who else knew that pulling InterFlood maps and marking “all the good spots” on them and then selling them on eBay could generate over $25,000 in additional income per month!

Libra (September 23-October 23):
HGTV is calling and you’re what they’re looking for Libra!  You will be the focus of a new show premiering this year called, “Getting around the HVCC: Sending smoke signals in the digital age”  Your weekly show will take the form of Bear Grylls-type of survivorship by finding the highest point in your town, then starting a fire with old fax requests and unpaid invoices gathered from “ye olde days” (2005 and earlier) and then using worthless documents (like unpaid invoices) to fan the smoke into coded messages in order to talk to clients.

Scorpio (October 24-November 21):
Always the clever entrepreneur, you’ll find that you can increase your net gain by an average of $4.95 per appraisal on foreclosed properties, young Scorpio.  This will not be based on any additional provided service or fee hikes but simply picking up the random quarters, dimes and nickels that you find while wandering through the abandoned property.  With this additional windfall you’ll find that you’ve essentially offset the cost of your Platinum Membership.

Sagittarius (November 22-December 21):
There’s always a silver lining.  In your case, Sagittarius, this won’t be any revelation that you’ve stumbled upon.  Instead this will be the ‘halo’ effect of regaining consciousness and staring up at the sky after walking headlong into a power meter sticking out of the wall while looking down and measuring off the west end of a home.  On the upside, this will be the best sleep you’ve gotten in over 2 weeks.  Who needs Tempur-Pedic when you’ve got Central Gas and Electric?

Capricorn (December 22-January 19):
The new year is about resolutions and you Capricorn are not one to buck tradition.  Underwriters and loan officers will rejoice when they see that you have made the commitment to not include one picture of the front of the home that includes your driver side mirror!  Although you’ll find yourself relapsing a few times, you’ve made a promise so you will suffer through deleting the photos where you do capture the mirror and retake the photo.  You’re on your way and I salute you!

A note for my dear readers:  Horrorscopes are simply for guidance, support and to brighten your day (except for you, Libra). Any resemblance to any real fortune telling, as opposed to those disingenuous charlatans we’re all wary of, is simply blind luck since these are almost entirely developed thanks to the paralyzing heartburn I get after ordering the “Do that to me one more time” seafood plate at “Cap’n and The Peel”.